A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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