mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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