he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
