I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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