Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
