is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
