My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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