I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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