I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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