You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
