I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
