it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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