you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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