sarcasm needs its own font
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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