Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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