Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
