Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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