Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
