ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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