Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just puked most of my soul out..
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize