She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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