So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
