just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize