she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
