so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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