i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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