You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
