Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
