The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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