How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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