heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize