I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
