Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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