His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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