i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
