Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
