You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
