I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
