so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
