just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
