Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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