Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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