It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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