I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
