If that was your dad, he is hot
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
