Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
