hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
