saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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