My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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