I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
