So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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