My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
