just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
