Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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