Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
