I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
