No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize