youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
