the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
ttyl tear gas
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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