I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
