just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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