just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize