My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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