Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
