im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize